Monthly Archives: January 2012

Don’t Fucking Call Me

Don’t fucking call me because I’m not going to answer.  Do you know how annoying you are?  When my phone vibrates more times than it should for a text message my blood pressure rises through the roof.  When I look down and see your name there I’m already annoyed with you.  What do you really need to say that can’t be expressed in a text message?  I’m just going to text you back and say, “At work. What’s up?” or “At the gym, I’ll call you when I’m done” in hopes that you’ll just fucking type whatever your urgent fucking message is.

Don’t leave me a voice mail because I will hate you.  I won’t listen to it.  When I begrudgingly call you back you’re just going to have to explain whatever shenanigans you felt the need to record.

DEFINITELY DO NOT call me and then text me, “Call me” or even worse “Call me ASAP” because lesbihonest, I’d rather shove a fork in my eye than call you ASAP.  That’s about the time I’ll have to delete you from my life. 

I don’t care if you’re my friend, boyfriend, family, boss, dog.  JK Boots can call me all she wants.  But YOU can not.  Don’t. Fucking. Call. Me.  And don’t call your gay BFF because they’re busy with more important things.  Text them so they can grindr AND deal with your problem at the same time.  We multitask.  How else would we run the world?