Are You Really That Stupid?

I can’t even believe that this has happened enough times that it’s a topic of discussion. When you are on a date… DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR EX. DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR ONE NIGHT STANDS.  Focus on me and how pretty I am, idiot.

Me:  Aw that’s so cute! You have two dogs?  Do they try to wake you up and play in the morning or they let you sleep in?  (I was grasping for conversation, don’t judge.  Plus I wanted to sleep in so it was useful information either way…)

First half Asian that I’ve gone on a date with (which I won’t be doing again): Well normally they sleep in but when I have someone in bed with me they like to wake us up… but.. um, uh.. which ya know isn’t often…

I should’ve just gotten up then but he was buying so I ordered two more Grey Goose doubles.  You will now spend your money on me because you’re a dumbass.  Which brings me to example #2.

Me:  So does your family know you’re gay?

Different first date idiot:  Oh totally!  My ex got along great with my brother and sister.  I actually met him through my sister.  We dated for like 4 years after they worked together.  They used to hang out all the time!  They’re still friends.

Okay the overall message here is appealing but the delivery SUCKS.  TMI in so many different ways that it’s painful.  He couldn’t rebound from that.  As far as I’m concerned we were finished before I even got my Mahi Mahi tacos.  And you know what?  I wasn’t planning on touching my refried beans until I thought to myself, “eat up Mary!!” cause it don’t matter NO MO.  Common sense has become an attractive quality.  This is what we’re dealing with now?  How sad. Le sigh -YourGayBFF

Don’t Fucking Call Me

Don’t fucking call me because I’m not going to answer.  Do you know how annoying you are?  When my phone vibrates more times than it should for a text message my blood pressure rises through the roof.  When I look down and see your name there I’m already annoyed with you.  What do you really need to say that can’t be expressed in a text message?  I’m just going to text you back and say, “At work. What’s up?” or “At the gym, I’ll call you when I’m done” in hopes that you’ll just fucking type whatever your urgent fucking message is.

Don’t leave me a voice mail because I will hate you.  I won’t listen to it.  When I begrudgingly call you back you’re just going to have to explain whatever shenanigans you felt the need to record.

DEFINITELY DO NOT call me and then text me, “Call me” or even worse “Call me ASAP” because lesbihonest, I’d rather shove a fork in my eye than call you ASAP.  That’s about the time I’ll have to delete you from my life. 

I don’t care if you’re my friend, boyfriend, family, boss, dog.  JK Boots can call me all she wants.  But YOU can not.  Don’t. Fucking. Call. Me.  And don’t call your gay BFF because they’re busy with more important things.  Text them so they can grindr AND deal with your problem at the same time.  We multitask.  How else would we run the world?

 

Holiday Blues?

As I was looking around my family’s Christmas Eve dinner table last night I found myself feeling sad.  I was happy to be with family surrounded by good food and great stories but something was missing.  All of my cousins had brought their significant others to dinner this year and I was the only one flying solo.  They were all talking about moving into new apartments or how there were going to spend the next day with their boyfriend or girlfriend’s family.  In a room full of family I felt lonely.  It was very strange especially because on any other day I am very consciously aware that I value my independence and I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now.  I ended up crying myself to sleep…

JUST KIDDING. But I did wake up and I had a great AH-HA! moment.  My dog (who gives me unconditional love all year round) snuggled up under my arm and wagged her tail as I opened my eyes.  After a few yawns and a big puppy kiss I got up to find I had voicemails, texts, messages, and cards in the mail all reminding me of the great people in my life.  The holidays can bring up a lot of different emotions.  The loss of my grandmom hit me especially hard this year.  And then I was feeling sad to be single?  I also felt bad that I couldn’t go out and buy my family all the great gifts that they deserve because let’s be honest, 2010 has been a bitch financially. 

I quickly snapped out of it.  We all have so much to be lucky for.  As we get older we find out more about ourselves and the people we choose to have in our lives. If I needed any one of my friends they would be there, no questions asked.  They’re my second family.  And my blood family is just as kind, generous and loving.  We don’t say it out loud enough how much we really appreciate who we have and what we have.  Seeing everyone on Facebook post pictures of their families, trees, gifts, pets and all the things that they are lucky enough to have made me really happy.  I think my new year’s resolution is to stop and appreciate my family, my health, my friends and the things that I have, not the things I don’t.  Not just on Christmas and not just on New Year’s but from now on!  It’s sappy and it’s cliche but maybe there is something to be said about the effect of this time of year.  Plus Britney and Gaga both revealed unreleased tracks today.  How can you be mad that?

You’re not as fat as you think you are.  Your job isn’t as shitty as you think it is.  You’re definitely not alone just because you don’t have a significant other and you don’t need that new iPhone/car/dress as badly as you think you do. Just be happy for a minute.  It’s not as bad as you think.  Xoxo YourGayBFF   

Empty Frames are the New Black

I’ve decorated the biggest wall in my room with a few eclectic frames mixed in with a vintage photo and a picture from my travels abroad.  You can really have some fun with the placement and include a few things that are really important to you!  The great thing is the room still feels really open because it’s creative minus the clutter.  A look inside my room:

Love a good decorating tip that’s easy, cute and relatively cheap! xoxo YourGayBFF

Holiday Cocktail

This is an awesome cocktail for holiday parties or to help you through a family gathering.  3 or 4 of these and Aunt Mildred doesn’t seem so bad.  But really, this will impress your friends and it’s perfectly festive.  (Keep in mind most cocktail recipes call for 1 part liquor but I have a heavy hand… because I’m gay… and a drunk)

 

Pomegranate SNAP Martini:

 

-2 (or 3) parts SNAP Organic Liqueur

-1 (or 2) parts pomegranate juice

-Crystallized ginger

-Pinch of cinnamon

-Lemon zest + juice

 

Muddle lemon, ginger & cinnamon in a cocktail shaker

Add pom juice and SNAP

Shake with ice

Garnish martini glasses with pomegranate seeds in the bottom of the glass and pour the cocktails!

Also, if you want a little carbonation ginger ale is a great add-in.  Try it out! COCKtail time xoxo YourGayBFF

Recycling Men

We all tell our friends not to do it.  I like to say I don’t do it… but I do.  We all constantly recycle men.  It’s our own little black book (except it’s our little black iPhone)  We tell our friends, “I don’t get it! I was texting him all day, every day!  We talked about life, love, our hopes & dreams! I sent silly pictures of my cat, I told him my favorite sexual position hehehe, I sent the infamous mirror shot where I made a funny face… which was quickly followed by a picture of my sexy face… but that ended REAL quick!”

Insert any sane friend: “He suddenly couldn’t text while at work? After you fucked, his life just got sooooo busy? He didn’t realize how much was on his plate?!  Really?”

Well, you make a good point… but I believe him 🙂 Did I do something wrong? No. So I mine as well text him 7x in a row to make sure he isn’t dead, lost, confused, cold, alone.  Listen Mister sister… being ignored: confirmed.  But we still need his number!  Please don’t take that away from us!! And this is why:

“I just want to know if it’s him if he texts me.”

“I changed his name to ‘ DoucheBagDon’tAnswer!!!’ Let’s see how he likes that!”

“I’m going to delete him but save him in your phone.  And don’t give it to me when I’m drunk!!”

Who are you kidding?  You’re begging for those 10 magic digits before the pregame is over, you two beer queer.  Put down your appletini, take your head out of your ass and delete destructive men from you life!  We’re masochistic by nature.  Refer to Rihanna and Britney Spears’ international pop super hit ‘S & M’ (We just like to say Britney Spears as much as possible… Britney Spears, Britney Spears, Britney Spears) As I was saying… we enjoy hurting ourselves.  It’s the thrill of the chase and the excitement of feeling wanted.  If it didn’t work out the first time, why the fuck is your second go around any different?  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Yup, I just said it.  Because it’s true!  We look at our girlfriends/GURLfriends and roll our eyes when they say, “but this time he’s different!”  Tranny, you trippin’.  He didn’t change.  He doesn’t want a girlfriend.  He definitely doesn’t want YOU to be his girlfriend and moreover do you want this dick to be your boyfriend?  He stopped calling, he stopped texting and one afternoon when he was bored he said, “hey.” (gasp… he wants me back/misses me/loves me/realizes I’m the girl, gay, lady-boi of his dreams!!)

OH NO HE DIDN’T! Stop fooling yourself because you’re better than that.  We build up a base of 3 or 4 guys that we can rely on (barely) when we’re lonely and fake ourselves into these mini-dramas with each one. “OMG this skank ass bitch wrote on his wall yesterday and checked into Starbucks with him on Foursquare… and her Twitter said ‘getting some coffee ;)’ She mine as well said ‘blowing MY bf after a grande mochachino latte double shot drip! Stupid bitch with her pretentious coffee order. Ugh!'”   Did you just hear yourself?  Because if you need me to I can screen shot that deranged text and post it on Facebook. Drop the old dudes because living like this is not going to make you happy.  Delete numbers. Cut ties. Start fresh.  Work on yourself and work on finding one (just ONE) great guy.  He’s out there and these other ones lingering in the background will soon be a distant memory.

Don’t we all deserve a second chance. NO. Purge your contacts.  When he’s done, he’s DONE.

 

Sex On the First Date

Is it a good idea? Is it a bad idea? Will it ruin any possibility of a future?

I’ve seen my girlfriends go on many first dates… sometimes ending in sex and other times just a goodnight kiss.  They sleep with them, they don’t, they call, they don’t.  I haven’t seen any kind of pattern or formula.  But of course there is a double standard for girls.  If you fuck, you’re a whore. And somehow it makes you un-dateable.  But I’ve also seen guys try to get sex at the end of the evening, a girl resist and then he never calls her again.  It seems as though she played it right but she still didn’t land the dude.  I think if you’re a girl (and you see potential in the first date) you probably shouldn’t sleep with him.  There’s always an exception to the rule and I’m sure some beautiful wedding is taking place right now and it all started on a good first date and a great screw. BUT in general it’s a bad idea.  If a guy is taking you out on a date, chances are he sees something in you too.  Maybe if he decides half way through that he doesn’t want to wife you, he’ll try to sleep with you.  Don’t be stupid and don’t be “that girl.”  If you want this man to be your boyfriend, keep your legs closed.  Just for one night.  You can do it.  One night stands are a totally different story.  I’m all for a drunken hook up on Saturday night after the bar.  But do you want to marry one-night-stand-guy? I don’t.

 

When it comes to homos I see things a little differently.  Again: DOUBLE STANDARD.  I’m talking to this guy and he sends me a picture of his dick. Cool, I guess? (It wasn’t that impressive)  Then he tells me to come over and cuddle.  I reply, “Just cuddle?’  I was half kidding but at the same time I just saw your penis so I don’t think it’s an inappropriate inquiry.  He says, “I’m not easy.”  You’re not easy?  Wait.  Who are you trying to fool?  And why are you sending me mixed messages?  FYI I don’t want to come cuddle with your penis.  I find with a lot of guys they put up the illusion that sex is bad.  They say homos are whores and they’re not like everyone else and they didn’t blow some guy in Woody’s bathroom last Wednesday night.  I think it’s silly.  We’re men.  We’re TWO men trying to date.  We want sex.  If you’re against sex on the first date that’s more than okay!  But don’t send me a cock shot and then tell me you’re not a slut.  1. I can’t tell you how many penis pictures I’ve seen.  I don’t think you’re a slut because you sent me yours.  2. I don’t appreciate the idea of unattainable sex.  Try to lure me in with your junk and then refuse to give it up?  Stop playing games.  If our date goes well and I’m hard at the end of it I would like you to kindly take care of my boner.  I’ll call you the day after.

New Years Detox

The end of the year is always a good time for reflection. We’re going to start 2012 right by going into January fresh off of a detox.

-No alcohol until New Year’s Eve (oh hey will power I could REALLY use some of you right now)

-Eating clean and healthy

-Going to the gym instead of just talking about going to the gym

A detox can not only help with your appearance and your health but it’s good for the mind too. Try to get rid of some of the negative that you’ve been dwelling. Personally, I won’t be going on any dates for the next month. I’m going to work on me before even thinking about making someone else happy. So far (and remember this is day 1) things are off to a good start! Breakfast was yogurt, fiber heavy cereal and a banana… mid morning snack was a granola bar and lunch was turkey on a lettuce wrap with mustard (WAY less calories than mayo) We went to the gym!! tanning!! (that vitamin D feels awesome on a rainy day like today) and we’re on our way to get a haircut. When you look good you feel good! Do something nice for yourself today. Xoxo YourGayBFF

The Day After

Ms. X writes:

He didn’t text me today.

I’m not messaging him, his turn

Gay best friend:

Good

MsX: We had sex and that’s all he had to say ? Really?

GayBFF: Are you surprised? He didnt txt u the day after last time you slept over.

MsX: I’m not surprised I just really don’t get dudes. Why bother with all the ‘I miss u I sucked I wanna prove you wrong” bs

GayBFF: I wouldnt take any of that shit. Life is short, you only have so much time to prove yourself and its not that hard.. just dont be a dick

MsX: Exactly. So why talk to me at all?

GayBFF: To string you along.  Then they feel guilty.. and they cant have that. Everyone needs to like them and give them sex.

MsX: Gah Fuck it it was small anyway

GayBFF: He’s done

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